Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
