i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
