I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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