I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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