Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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