My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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