Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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