quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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