Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
