weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
