i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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