god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
