I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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