Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
