ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
