pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
