um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she smelled like a LAN party
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
