You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
