I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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