i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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