Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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