does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
