so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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