I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
