Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
