well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
