I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
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