Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
