i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
