eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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