what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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