Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
