"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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