I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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