Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
