is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
