I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
