i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
