I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
