Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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