Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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