i don't like sucking hair
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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