Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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