I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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