You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
