seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
