i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
