i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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