i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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