dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
